i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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