Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My vagina is officially offended.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
