Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
