He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
