I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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