I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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