He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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