You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
