Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
