I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize