I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
