The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
