I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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