Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
as a side note pls kill me
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