I didn't shave. On purpose
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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