the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
