He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
