but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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