chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
