my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You can't motorboat a personality
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
