i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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