At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
