Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
