sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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