A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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