I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
