Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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