i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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