I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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