You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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