That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize