Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
