just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
