I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
