My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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