he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
