so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
