i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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