dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
