I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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