U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
