Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
