I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
