i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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