watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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