the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
