so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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