new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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