Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Couch. On fire.
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