my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
