you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
