Ambien. No doubt about it.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
