Yo dont text me then not text me
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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