Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
