My nipple is on Facebook.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
