The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
