I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
