just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize