I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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